Days 51 to 50: Last head bang.

Oh Phil, Phil, Phil…oh Lord help you. I will be real that I cared about dear Phil (a nickname he hates being called – but I am trying to give him a little identity wiggle room). But my forehead is dented from banging my head on the wall. Getting to know someone should not be this hard, the same problems over and over and over.

It’s groundhog day in the world of Phil. And frankly, I don’t care whether the varmint sees his shadow. I’m out of the maddening loop, remember?

OH. MY. GOSH.

I just had a lightning bolt hit me in the head: The actual groundhog of groundhog day is named Phil, too…ha!! And suddenly it ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!

Image result for punxsutawney phil

Oh funny. Why didn’t I see that before?

I remain so excited about my future. It is my future. Mine.

I can’t get the last six years back. But I can pretend I do. I can live the rest of my lifetime making up for lost minutes, days, years. I can live life to the fullest and not let baggage weigh me down. I can choose who I spend time with now…has anyone forgotten I have a choice in who is in my life?

Not me.

And I don’t take anyone’s blame for their own shortcomings and bad behaviors, all the while they pursue me ANYMORE. Not happening. Not even for a cute little furry beast.

I will only surround myself with people who SEE and HEAR me and SEE and HEAR themselves.

And that is my last word on THAT.

Am sitting here early on a gorgeous Sunday trying to figure out if I dread Day Zero, or if I am so excited to get it D-O-N-E, so I can start tripping this world fantastic…

Today I am excited. I see people around me wanting to spend time with me. That makes me so excited – people. PEOPLE. I get to be around PEOPLE. I get to feel cherished again. Can anyone ever understand what it is like to be completely isolated and not cherished by a single soul for 2160 days????

And THAT Phil, is why I refuse for be uncherished for day 2161.

🙂

Oh yeah…and I found a photo from before Fed, just weeks before. It shows me trying on my murder night shoes, trying to decide if they fit and I liked them. Ugh. I had no idea that the only time I would wear them would be…

Murder Night shoes. Who knew?

Days 52 to 64: How to lose a multimillionaire in 12 days.

Yes – I’m back. I needed to walk away to get eight weeks of chaos cleaned up. But without all of that happening, I have time to reflect on myself and my life each day. Because of everything being in this odd pre-trial limbo for the next 52 days, I also have need to express myself somewhere. I cannot go too crazy with business or other venues of creative expression. So I will do it here again.

It’s good to be back.

I just needed to clean my life out in many ways. My closets were not enough. I needed to figure this relationship out and see that I have no reason to make it work. It was good practice, yes. It was practice. But if you are not having a meeting of the minds this early on, there is no reason to continue.

I feel awful. He had big “hopes and dreams.” But I got the feeling they would be for anyone who fit a certain mold, not me in particular. Then, when I finally lost my cool, PTSD reared its ugly head and I went OFF. It was unfortunate because you don’t want to crush someone’s ego. You just want the problems to stop.

He came back again – despite the PTSD. But there was no way in h-e-l-l we could seem to “connect” on basic levels. I realized he is a big-time left brainer. I am more right-brained, with some straddling of both hemispheres. It can be very hard for a right brainer to feel connected to extreme left brainers. At least, it is for me. I don’t like “everything is black and white.” It exhausts me.

Anyway…I’m sure he feels relieved it is over, too. Or he will. I give it a few minutes and he will be 100 percent happy. Plenty of fish are in the sea for men with financial portfolios. I just am not interested in a man for that and it is not enough for me to alter my ways and means, hopes or dreams. People around me think I’m crazy, that I “won’t.” I would rather starve than be unhappy. Haven’t I proven that??

So back to me being me. But I no longer need the earlier structure. I just need to appreciate my life.

Whew! Glad I left and took a break. This space would have been ugly, if I had kept being honest. Now I can be honest and stand behind my guttural communications again. 🙂 All is good.

Moving on to trial and the “after”…

Day 65: Spoke too soon.

I’m in a good groove and feel strong enough to not track myself so closely. Life is unfolding and I am ready for my new existence without this past six years shackled to my ankles. I’m letting it all go.

Trial is coming. But my head is already clear of all things Fed. I have no need to monitor myself anymore. I can just live…

After today and for 64 coming days and beyond, I am going to just live as people live, by instinct.

Self-balance.

I had a quiet day to gather myself after yesterday’s over-stimulation of violence on television and in real life in Virginia Beach. I bubble wrapped myself and tackled work. Because that is what I do when things spiral out of control…I reel myself in. Likely not healthy.

I had to keep the television news off today. That’s not easy, when the “tragedy of the day” is happening only 9.8 miles away. But I have to stay “safe” from the way things were hitting me yesterday. We all have limits.

Physical.

Worked out double-time today. Yay me. Woo hoo. So excited I can hardly stand it.

Work.

Did I say I spent the whole, mind-numbing day closed captioning the film? There is something so awful and mind-numbing about hearing your own voice droning on for 14 full hours, repeatedly while you type every last word.

Material.

I got nothin’.

Day 66: Trigger central.

Well today is not ending as easily as it started. I set myself up for a bit of a trigger struggle. I watched a fairly tame war movie from 1990 and started feeling a bit on edge with the shooting in the film.

I randomly found out my personal trainer from before Fed had at least five arrests and a prison sentence. One of these arrests occurred since my Fed issue, in the time frame when he was talking to me about my attempts to escape Fed. But there I was clueless about his “assault” and “burglary” cases, his real ways and means. How did so many criminal people get so close to my “inner circle?”

Then the man I am getting to know texted me and told me about our local area shooting, in which 12 people were killed and multiple injured just hours ago.

After all of this, I tried to find something tame to watch on TV to kind of reset my brain. I landed on an Imagine Dragons concert taping – playing songs of “that era” of Fed and Wisconsin. I used to listen to their album while driving for work and around that area that was so foreign to me…so that was its own kind of trigger.

Not feeling really great right now. So am headed to work out, then will see how it goes. Right now I’m seeing the halos and sparkle-bursts of PTSD/neurological over-stimulation.

I don’t know why this thing with Fed changed me so much, in how I deal with violence, shootings and death. I just cry and cry and cry…tears, tears, tears, tears. I was soft before. But now I am like a wet sponge. I cannot handle “tragedy” without quiet emotion. I’m particularly bad around guns and gunshots. Yet Fed never got a shot “off” at me, when he set me up to shoot me. Maybe I fear what it would have sounded like, coming toward me. Who knows? About four years ago I did go through a phase of hearing phantom gunshots at all hours of the day, particularly in nightmares. So it probably is related to the prick trying to shoot me. Whatever…

About two years ago in July I witnessed a cop being shot in a parking lot. I was in my convertible, soft roof down and fully exposed to the world around me. Two guys were robbing a Game Stop in Newport News, a store in that parking lot. I noticed police cruisers bolting between rows of cars and I started to panic, feeling boxed in. So I pulled in a space to let them all go past me. Instead, this put me right at the area where the shooting took place. The officer did his part against the armed offenders. But they did their part, too.

Then, in October 2017 right as I was finding out about the new victims in this Fed case, three men were shot at a gas station three blocks from where I was living. I heard the shots and commotion, but didn’t know what was going on. I knew one of the detectives at that time, so he called to give me a heads-up. I moved within a month.

Anyway, this area has been violent. It all makes me feel so powerless…and here we go into a situation of a different kind of “violence,” the trial violence of challenging an aggressor for overdue justice. At least, it feels violent to me.

Going to work out. Need to calm my brain. Or may need to go to bed. Will see.

It will soon be time for me to leave here. Enough already. These things can happen anywhere these days. But enough of here…this place I only chose for hiding. I need to go back to polished society, where neighborhoods have gates and…

I realize that is snobby. But it just feels safer. And I’ve had enough. Enough.

You know what I really think? We’re a bunch of assholes. Our forefathers worked so hard to give us the freedoms we have and we act like a bunch of entitled assholes. Fed’s an asshole, other cops are assholes…business leaders are assholes…citizens are assholes. We’ve gone off the deep end in so many ways. I’m tired of this “America.”

I’ve lived overseas for five years. So – yes – I know America is the “lesser of the evils.” But we’re assholes. So I want a break. I want to go back to Europe for a bit and take a breather. Or an island somewhere. I just want out…to catch my breath…purge the assholes…criminals…psychopaths…

I just want out. Or I am hopeful that being somewhere less violent may help my attitude. I wish people would just appreciate what we have, in comparison to other countries. For God’s sake, neighbors in Germany would report you to the “authorities” if you dared to do laundry, wash your car or perform any other work on Sundays. Why can’t we get it that we have things so good over here? We can go to 7-11 and buy whatever we want at 2:30 a.m. We can stand on a corner and sing, if we’re so inclined. We can wash our car or do other household work on Sundays without scorn or being threatened by neighbors. I say that, yet I want to flee the violence.

Self-balance.

Self-balance is out of whack today.

I spent a lot of time texting with the person I’m seeing. It was a nice break. Nothing super off-putting has happened in a week, so we are finally making progress. I think we have finally calmed into a good groove. I’m hoping it stays this way. The drama of the rug being jerked out every few days was taking a toll on me. I don’t like “running” from relationships, so it is nice when things calm down enough for me to feel safe, secure and “in place.” So that is going very well.

We had a little hiccup a day or so ago, but he immediately corrected it. I appreciate that so much. I don’t mind hiccups, if they are corrected.

Ironically, the shooting in Virginia Beach took place right where I was in my car when we had the big tiff last Saturday. I hadn’t been to the city buildings in several years. I had pulled over into the parking lot to avoid texting and driving. Anyway…

Physical.

I worked out just beyond minimum. I need to step things up for next week. I need to challenge myself much more. Much more.

Work.

I worked around the house, ran errands and took care of my weekly personal business.

Material.

I donated all of my purged clothes and shoes to a local church event, one that annually provides clothes to the homeless. Some of the items will work well for job interviews or such. Other things are good for outdoors and daily life. I wish they had been more practical items, overall. But maybe they will find their place.

Days 67 and 68. Redaction misaction.

Life would just be so easy if everyone would just RELAX. That includes me.

I’m realizing that the earlier “redaction” here helps no one. I get frustrated…use this space to vent a little. Then I delete it, as I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

But we all get to a point in life when we have to face up to our reality.

Still, me writing and writing and writing about what is going on in my life is not the point of this space. I need to stay focused on what happens in 67 days. 67 DAYS! Nine weeks and four days!!!!!!!!!!

I missed yesterday – writing here – due to ongoing allergy or barometric headaches. I’m seeing other people around here are suffering, too. So something is going on with the environment in this burst of spring-summer transition. So I won’t beat myself up about it. Rain is coming for the next three days, so that should calm it down for next week and I will be more thorough.

I’ll be back later to finish my daily journey…

Self-balance.

I focused on clearing some closets a bit, so the doors will shut better. Haha! That felt good. All in all a quiet, peaceful day of introspection and forward movement.

Physical.

I didn’t work out. Regret it. But have had headache after headache this week and only started feeling good at about 430pm. So took things kind of easy. Didn’t press my luck.

Work.

I am closed-captioning the film and need to finish that over the next three days. This is our last step. Will do some tonight. UGH.

I had client work available today but struggled to write about enhanced perioperative recovery. I just could not bring myself to do it. Tomorrow.

Material.

I think today is the day that I throw out an extra 100 shoes. Cannot decide. But feel I want to let go of the past to usher in a future. It is painful, nonetheless…as they are all unworn, brand new…

I’m considering the dresses I do not wear, the lingerie that gathers dust…

I need to start fresh and “fresh” is not from 2012 or 2013, before the s*** put upon me.

Update: I cleared out 58 summer shoes – 29 pair. That includes my hiking shoes – so no big cliffs for awhile. I kept Murder Night shoes, though. I couldn’t let go of them yet. Not yet.

Day 69. Found.

An associate and I spent all day at the beach. Ironically, we both spent this weekend in some serious allergy pain. He was in Washington, DC and I was here in Coastal Virginia, but we were both suffering the barometric pressure, allergies or both.

So we got away to the beach to take photos and recharge. That is clearly the Self-balance for today.

Self-balance.

Behold, the self-balance of a day on an isolated beach…

Physical.

I worked out for 50+ minutes. This, on top of the 3+ miles of beach we walked.

Work.

The beach was our work, doing some videography and photography.

Material.

Surfers don’t usually get paid to surf. But they surf because they love it and it calls out to them…

Umm, so yeah. Beach photographers don’t usually get paid to photograph. But they photograph because they love it and it calls out to them. 🙂

The material day went backwards. But the relaxation will send us forward in the long run.

Day 71: Integrity has one face. Bullshit has many.

I’m just going to leave that nugget o’ wisdom as my theme for today. 🙂 I am so free right now, feeling so strong in who I am and what I stand for. This is the silver lining that came from all of the Fed mess: He wanted to break me down, but he only made me stronger.

I am going to ride this groove for a full workday. I have to let my blisters heal, so will be staying home and working all day.

Self-balance.

My daily devotional or motivational, whatever I keep calling it made me chuckle this morning. It is about “Hanging In There.”

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life…

James 1:12

Let’s chew on that much while I go to ride my wave of confidence and bliss for the sake of my brands. I will be back…end of day…

Physical.

I worked out for over 70 minutes. It felt fantastic – again.

Work.

I got sidetracked from here, as a client assigned some late afternoon work. So I rushed to nab that business before someone else at the brokerage did.

Material.

Didn’t spend. Earned. What else can one do?

Day 72: Gloriousness.

I don’t think “gloriousness” is an actual word. But it describes today very well.

I’m making the right decisions. Am very proud of myself. I don’t want to expand on that right now. But many things are going very well. This is working, this little strategy-that-could.

Self-balance.

I’m trying to stop and smell the roses a bit more, now that I have seen I have no control over my workflow. So again today I took some time to explore places I’d never been.

Here is what I found:

Yep. I’m pretty sure today was gloriousness.

Physical.

I worked out for well over an hour today and walked for just over a mile. I wanted to walk more but my shoes were causing a blister on each heel. It was time to go home and get bandages.

Work.

Wrote a few articles this morning. Yay me! Worked and played. All is going as well as it can.

Material.

I had to buy some OTC allergy drugs and a few other things today. But I earned more than I spent. So it was progress.

Day 73. WOW.

Woke up this morning with a much better mood and feeling back to my old self again. Yesterday I was so out of sorts that I counted down the days wrong. 🙂

[Redacting again. I don’t like Debbie Downer fodder. If you caught it early, you caught it. If you didn’t…well…you get to see that my big redacting marker has swept across the page. And unlike the U.S. Department of State, I’m not charging you $75 per hour for me to use it. 🙂 ]

In my returned stability last night I did myself a huge favor and made a list of everything I need to do for my brands this weekend, to drive them forward. Did some of those things yesterday. But I still felt like a failure when I went to bed.

I do feel more hopeful about the world in general today, as well as my chances of having an honest person beside me.

Anyway…is what it is.

MOVING ON.

I’ll be back later to list my successes of the day. I’m so excited…going to get some great things done today and this weekend…

🙂

Self-balance.

I had a gorgeous day of driving around with the convertible open, taking photos and just breathing the fresh air. It was 95 degrees, sunny and just as hot as it needs to be on a lovely Memorial Day weekend. It was fantastic!!

Below are some pics taken as I drove through traffic, of two nearby churches I had not photographed before. Check out those beautiful blue skies!!!!!

Physical.

I worked out at the end of the day. I came in under the wire for timing, finishing at like 12:05am on Day 72. But what can you do? Had a lot going on today.

Work.

At the end of the day – Friday of Memorial Day weekend – I was assigned a ton of work due tomorrow morning. So I had to stop everything I was doing and hustle. I never know when it may be my last assigned work for the upcoming week. I got it done and went into Saturday more hopeful about the week ahead, than I was last weekend for the past week.

I also made a giant to-do list for my brands. Lord have mercy. The list is long. I want to scratch as many items off as completed, as possible before my meeting with my associate on Tuesday.

Progress all around.

Material.

Spent some, made some. It is what it is. But minor progress made. Very minor.