Day 66: Trigger central.

Well today is not ending as easily as it started. I set myself up for a bit of a trigger struggle. I watched a fairly tame war movie from 1990 and started feeling a bit on edge with the shooting in the film.

I randomly found out my personal trainer from before Fed had at least five arrests and a prison sentence. One of these arrests occurred since my Fed issue, in the time frame when he was talking to me about my attempts to escape Fed. But there I was clueless about his “assault” and “burglary” cases, his real ways and means. How did so many criminal people get so close to my “inner circle?”

Then the man I am getting to know texted me and told me about our local area shooting, in which 12 people were killed and multiple injured just hours ago.

After all of this, I tried to find something tame to watch on TV to kind of reset my brain. I landed on an Imagine Dragons concert taping – playing songs of “that era” of Fed and Wisconsin. I used to listen to their album while driving for work and around that area that was so foreign to me…so that was its own kind of trigger.

Not feeling really great right now. So am headed to work out, then will see how it goes. Right now I’m seeing the halos and sparkle-bursts of PTSD/neurological over-stimulation.

I don’t know why this thing with Fed changed me so much, in how I deal with violence, shootings and death. I just cry and cry and cry…tears, tears, tears, tears. I was soft before. But now I am like a wet sponge. I cannot handle “tragedy” without quiet emotion. I’m particularly bad around guns and gunshots. Yet Fed never got a shot “off” at me, when he set me up to shoot me. Maybe I fear what it would have sounded like, coming toward me. Who knows? About four years ago I did go through a phase of hearing phantom gunshots at all hours of the day, particularly in nightmares. So it probably is related to the prick trying to shoot me. Whatever…

About two years ago in July I witnessed a cop being shot in a parking lot. I was in my convertible, soft roof down and fully exposed to the world around me. Two guys were robbing a Game Stop in Newport News, a store in that parking lot. I noticed police cruisers bolting between rows of cars and I started to panic, feeling boxed in. So I pulled in a space to let them all go past me. Instead, this put me right at the area where the shooting took place. The officer did his part against the armed offenders. But they did their part, too.

Then, in October 2017 right as I was finding out about the new victims in this Fed case, three men were shot at a gas station three blocks from where I was living. I heard the shots and commotion, but didn’t know what was going on. I knew one of the detectives at that time, so he called to give me a heads-up. I moved within a month.

Anyway, this area has been violent. It all makes me feel so powerless…and here we go into a situation of a different kind of “violence,” the trial violence of challenging an aggressor for overdue justice. At least, it feels violent to me.

Going to work out. Need to calm my brain. Or may need to go to bed. Will see.

It will soon be time for me to leave here. Enough already. These things can happen anywhere these days. But enough of here…this place I only chose for hiding. I need to go back to polished society, where neighborhoods have gates and…

I realize that is snobby. But it just feels safer. And I’ve had enough. Enough.

You know what I really think? We’re a bunch of assholes. Our forefathers worked so hard to give us the freedoms we have and we act like a bunch of entitled assholes. Fed’s an asshole, other cops are assholes…business leaders are assholes…citizens are assholes. We’ve gone off the deep end in so many ways. I’m tired of this “America.”

I’ve lived overseas for five years. So – yes – I know America is the “lesser of the evils.” But we’re assholes. So I want a break. I want to go back to Europe for a bit and take a breather. Or an island somewhere. I just want out…to catch my breath…purge the assholes…criminals…psychopaths…

I just want out. Or I am hopeful that being somewhere less violent may help my attitude. I wish people would just appreciate what we have, in comparison to other countries. For God’s sake, neighbors in Germany would report you to the “authorities” if you dared to do laundry, wash your car or perform any other work on Sundays. Why can’t we get it that we have things so good over here? We can go to 7-11 and buy whatever we want at 2:30 a.m. We can stand on a corner and sing, if we’re so inclined. We can wash our car or do other household work on Sundays without scorn or being threatened by neighbors. I say that, yet I want to flee the violence.

Self-balance.

Self-balance is out of whack today.

I spent a lot of time texting with the person I’m seeing. It was a nice break. Nothing super off-putting has happened in a week, so we are finally making progress. I think we have finally calmed into a good groove. I’m hoping it stays this way. The drama of the rug being jerked out every few days was taking a toll on me. I don’t like “running” from relationships, so it is nice when things calm down enough for me to feel safe, secure and “in place.” So that is going very well.

We had a little hiccup a day or so ago, but he immediately corrected it. I appreciate that so much. I don’t mind hiccups, if they are corrected.

Ironically, the shooting in Virginia Beach took place right where I was in my car when we had the big tiff last Saturday. I hadn’t been to the city buildings in several years. I had pulled over into the parking lot to avoid texting and driving. Anyway…

Physical.

I worked out just beyond minimum. I need to step things up for next week. I need to challenge myself much more. Much more.

Work.

I worked around the house, ran errands and took care of my weekly personal business.

Material.

I donated all of my purged clothes and shoes to a local church event, one that annually provides clothes to the homeless. Some of the items will work well for job interviews or such. Other things are good for outdoors and daily life. I wish they had been more practical items, overall. But maybe they will find their place.