Day 76: Testing 1-2-3…

Wow. Had fireworks this morning at my place. I am stunned at the magnificence of the human mind. Specifically, I am stunned at how deep denial can go for all us…

I don’t usually drink coffee…but am pretty sure the feeling after this morning’s events are what people seek in that particular brand of caffeine high.

[I’m redacting all that happened. I’m so exhausted by the drama of it that I don’t want to see it ever again. Going forward. A big black marker has swiped across the page.]

My film editor came over and witnessed some of the situation. He sees where I am coming from, as it is a mind numbing repetition, a cycle of crazy-making. But he also gets how this whole trial thing is more than almost any man could patiently hang in wait for. I get that too. But I said over and over, “If it makes you uncomfortable, you can say so. Just go do your thing and we will pick up after trial if you’re still available.”

I think no one in my shoes can be in denial about the gravity of what is about to happen. I need to feel solid, secure and safe. Confident. Ready. Rested. Not road weary and time tested. I certainly do not need to feel worn down.

It is now past 2am on Day 75 and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the head. Today was rough and I am only just now tucking myself in for tomorrow – which is already here.

So let’s do this Tuesday thing. 76 Days and counting…

How about I bring the room back “up” by adding the song that is playing as I type? I’m ready for a great day… I really feel good about my position in life after this six year mess. I just don’t need the chaos.

Self-balance.

It is 10:17pm and I feel beaten up by today. I am by no means “down.” But it feels like there was yelling in my house all day. There was no yelling. Only texts. It still had the same psychological effect. And I cursed multiple times today. It felt like such a backwards rush.

I don’t feel incredibly out of balance, just affected. A bit jarred, but not reeling. Tomorrow I will be fine and dandy.

Physical.

I worked out late, having to make time between articles I needed to write. So tired. But I refused to fail today – I got it done besides the kicks in the head.

Work.

WHOA! After all of the above muckety muck transpired, I found out that not one but three of my core client group quit their company in a huff. No wonder work has fallen off the earth. A new person said hello the other day and now another. Things are looking up!

Maybe the universe wanted me to shut one door to reward me with another open one? Hmmmmm…

Material.

I lost hours upon hours of work today, to the general distraction of the man situation. It was exactly what I did not need. It was the opposite of why I am seeking self-balance in these last 100 days. I just don’t need drama. So I lost a ton of money today. It cannot happen. So I am up so late typing, when my eyelids are so heavy…my heart is tired…