Day 77: Saboteur.

I’m the saboteur right now.

I’m uncomfortable in some things…I’m sabotaging. I see myself doing it. The question is why? A lot of reasons, actually. A lot of new things going on and some boundaries being nuzzled forward, despite my objections. Am I asking too much or is it needless pushing of boundaries?

Time will tell.

Meanwhile, I am having freaky dreams [nightmares] that seem to come from “back of mind” stress. That stress is a pile of things that do not matter because I don’t have time or energy for them to matter. But then, I guess they do matter, as now I’m having to confront them in my sleep.

I am talking in so many circles.

I’m trying to figure out how much of myself I can give to another person. I see how if I go one direction, I have to give up some things I enjoy. But those changes would be at the hands of new things to enjoy. I guess the bigger question is whether the other person truly understands how much a woman must give up to be in that particular position. You have to figure out if they are trustworthy enough to let go of a ton of control over your life.

I’m old fashioned. But to be in that realm where I am most comfortable, I would have to let go of my single female security blankets. Would I wake in 20 years and not know who I am? Or would this person value the sacrifices made? It is just a lot coming at me very rapidly.

When you “surface date,” you don’t have these issues to deal with. You just simply roll with it until you don’t want to roll with it anymore. I’m in a position where you don’t roll with things. You make clear decisions in a progression that lead a very specific direction. The quality of the outcome rests heavily in whether you can truly trust and rely on the other person – a virtual stranger to a certain degree. With each decision made, you go in further. You let go of certain “security” more and more. Progression on one side equals regression on the other. It is that thing of Isaac Newton’s discovery, that every action brings an equal yet opposite reaction.

I want to be fully open to progress in my personal life. But I have always been a commodity. Since birth, I have been traded for whatever value I bring. I’ve always been informed of my value based on surface attributes and appearances. No one has actually ever cared about what is beneath the surface…and I mean no one. So I fear letting go of my life control and security to someone who is vying for the surface and does not care about what is real – again. So is this person legitimate or are they vying for the surface and cow-towing to my “demands” to get to that same end?

I don’t want to sabotage. But if I feel manipulated in the slightest, I will inevitably throw it off the rails. So I guess it is all out of my hands. It comes down to their ability to not manipulate me. To hear me. To pay attention and honor what I need. I realize that I have less control now than they do. I only ask one thing and it is up to them to respect that one thing. The outcome for not respecting it is inevitable.

Maybe I am not so much a saboteur as I am a protector. Self-protection is the new black.

I also think I am so clear on the fact that I will never divorce again. I REFUSE. So it has to be completely right. It has to fit. I will not enter something for which I consider an exit possible. We all seek that other person to meet us on the “other side.” Could this be my person or is that a silly girl’s fantasy that such exists?

So many questions. So few days left in this lifetime to find all of the answers. Some things must just be a leap of faith, I guess.

All of this philosophical thought takes me back to one place: I owe it to myself to “try.” Just try. There is always an exit available at the front, the back and over the wing.

Try to trust. Just try.

Can you sense the weight of this part of my journey?

Self-balance.

What is self-balance? 🙂

Seriously though, I struggled to sleep because the upstairs neighbor was vacuuming like crazy at 230am. Then the landlord was vacuuming the hallways and stairs FOREVER, over and over, first thing this morning. It was a vacuum hell sandwich.

Some days I think the world is trying to break me. Will a vacuum do it? Who knows.

Ironically – again – my motivational reading was on point. It was about sleeplessness, dark of night and the thoughts that come around in those wee hours of quiet. It was about not feeling alone in your journey.

Physical.

Let’s be real. So much is going on with my metaphorical hamster legs in the wheel that my real legs struggle to turn the wheel enough as “physical activity.” I did the minimum tonight. But my mind is running in so many circles that it was like four-point-three miles ahead of my body at all times.

Work.

Have worked well all day on multiple projects. Am hanging in and making progress. I’m not feeling stagnated, as I did before – in the past weeks.

Material.

Well, spent some money. It was only a little and still overshadowed by how much I earned today. But I don’t like spending right now, when I need to be earning so much more. Still, I am developing the work I will benefit from for years to come. So progress is for the long term, despite the momentary financial weakness.