Day 80: Baby steps.

Had a moment – a few hours, really – of frustration this morning. I guess you could say it was about learning how to be a partner to someone else after so long. Unfortunately, he found the blogs and I (unreasonably) felt violated. I realize this is out there for the world to see. But as I explained to him, I need my own space to get through this and to curse when I want to curse. I don’t want our relationship to form on top of a pile. A new relationship after trial starts on new ground and fully anew. This trial cannot bleed over.

So I don’t want him reading this. I just need to feel free and not “investigated” as Fed always investigates. That is my code word for stalking, in case you didn’t pick up on that. I need to feel a bit free, as I consider potential parallel paths, or as he said yesterday, “merging.”

I get it he was being a curious human, not a nosy human. I get it that it is me and not him…I get it. But I need extra special courtesy right now that I won’t need “after.” Just 80 days longer.

80 days as of today and counting…

Self-Balance.

Today’s motivational reading was about seeing the bigger picture and not getting lost in a moment. Yeah. I see the irony.

Trust becomes a lost element…there’s no future in that.

-Carolyn Larsen

A friend talked me out of my emotional tree. He urged me to see the full picture this morning, in my little “tizzy.” So I did. I see the intentions were not negative on the part of the person I am getting to know. But I need to focus on what is good for me until Day 0 has passed. That sounds selfish, but I’m not going anywhere…in my world, it has to be this way.

Physical.

I have been all over creation today in wedge heels. Exhausted. Have not checked my Apple watch yet to see what I’ve done. Still need to workout tonight. But tired, tired, tired.

I worked out as I am supposed to each evening. I fell into bed with a window open and the cleanest of evening sea air wafting in through the window. So lovely! An almost full moon watched over me. That is the best type of sleep.

Work.

Have been getting orders from my ghosting clients who now ghosted back into my life. Boo! I don’t think I will ever trust our relationship again, but it is progress.

Material.

Spent more than I brought in. Again. But I paid bills. So what can you do?