Day 84: Restart.

Well, I’m not going to restart. But this morning it took some effort for me to believe it could be a decent day. Someone tried to suck the life out of me yesterday and it was just maddening. But I’m back up where I need to be, focused intently on the “end game.” It is just under three months until trial and I am feeling stronger every day. This silly strategy always works for me.


My goodness, I am living in a world of kind flattery right now. I’m enjoying it. A real human connection for the first time in six years. I deserve it, am ready for it and enjoy it.

Whether this person is a “for real” relationship I am building or just practice to help advance my healing, it is nice. I’m not staking my heart in much right now. It is early. It is like three weeks or a month early. But we are progressing and I see I can relate to “regular humans” like I used to. I even like me better now. 🙂

What amazes me is the quality of this person. He climbed Everest…owns an extremely lucrative business that his family started over 100 years ago…yet has put in his own personal work in life. We have so much in common that it is amazing, beautiful, patient and kind. He is letting me hold things off a bit until post-trial. For that, I am thankful. Very thankful.

He bought a house on Friday anyway. So he will be packing and moving during the last of my pretrial phase. He is presently picking out flooring. The end-all-be-all move date is the last week of July. That is my jury selection week, so his timing is – seemingly like all else – right on point. Funny how things work out. I told him I was glad he is distracted until I am free. 🙂

All of this man stuff brings me peace and companionship – support, really – during this really trying time. I have to go face the dickhead who tried to shoot me in the face, after all…ugh…in three weeks. I can’t believe after all of the stalking, car chasing, “appearing” in my grocery store parking lot and setting me up to shoot me…I have to go sit across from his ugly self and – sorry, I can’t hold my tongue – his fat head. So disgusting. But it is what it is.

Today’s devotional was about being strong and courageous. Yesterday I suffered some creaks in the ol’ rocking chair. But today I feel strong and courageous again, so this reading was appropriate.


My dead-beat clients finally came through and pushed some work my way. But it came on the day when one key client quit her company abruptly. So I can pretty much discern there is some internal strife going on in that company. I thought something odd was up, as to have so much work I can’t breathe for five, six years…then nothing…it tripped my “business strife” wires. You work in the corporate world long enough, particularly in management, and you sense the hidden messages pretty clearly, I guess.

C’est la vie and good riddance. I knew the work would drop when it is time for me to fly out of the nest I’ve been hiding in. So it is time. Message received. I’m on it.


Worked out for a full 75 minutes again. Yay me. Getting back at it. Feels good to feel so in tune with myself again. I’ll never be an “Audrey Hepburn” physique. I will always be more of a “Marilyn” physique. I could be an Audrey if I drank at morning-o’clock like a lot of women do to get down to preteen boy weight. But I like being a Marilyn. So screw anyone who wants otherwise. 🙂 I like me. Always have. Always will. So I guess what I am saying here is that my workouts are not stepping up to bring a major breakthrough. I don’t break through past a certain place. But they get me to where I can really enjoy life, climb mountains, hike intense trails and run away from random gun-toting, badge carrying assholes that like to terrorize women. That is why I work out. 🙂


Finally had a great, financially productive day for the first time in like a month. It has been a dry spell, for sure. I expect the dry spell will pick up again after tomorrow. So I am up at 2:30am completing work for my five-year clients, so I can make myself available to potential new ones. There is no sleeping in freelance life.