Day 90: A heart at peace…

I need to move things on my daily accounting list around a bit, here. I have typically logged in my “work” accomplishments first (or lack thereof). But this is such a spiritual journey I am on, in these #100days to trial. So I need to write about my spirituality first. Otherwise, I feel I am forcing myself to write, at all.

Such is the case today, as my work is failing me financially right now, as I lay new foundations and let go of old safety nets. Work makes me grumpy for the time being. Spiritual pursuits are holding me together and pushing me forward.

So let it be written…so let it be done…

Spirituality.

I started reading morning devotions again, as I did before going to Washington DC to trigger the investigation in 2014. Today’s devotion was based on fighting discouragement. It was right up my alley, for sure.

A heart at peace gives life to the body…

~Proverbs 13:40
Serenity & Space Before a Rape Trial | 100 Days | C.Kimberly Toms | EscapingFed.com

This is what I am chasing right now, peace. I need it. This week and next will prove difficult for me, as I am fighting a big work monster. A big one. But I need to stay calm, have faith and build peace in myself that all of this is meant to be, as this whole journey has proven what is meant to happen always does.

Peace, peace, peace…need to have peace…to defeat discouragement…

Being at peace actually assists the growing/improving process because you can achieve more when you’re not discouraged or frantically racing around trying to grab more out of life.

~Carolyn Larsen in “One Minute Devotions for Women”

Peace.

Work.

Work, work, work. Conflict with peace. Work. I accomplished more that I needed to accomplish today and spent less time distracted. I’m hoping the aforementioned peace will come and wash some of this distraction away for greater productivity. Until then, I am a hamster in a wheel, my tiny little legs just a-goin’.

Physical.

I am going to workout now. I am right on time for it and feel ready. The headaches finally stopped for now. I hear weather patterns are kicking up some storms for the coming week. Ugh. Hope to get through them without the pain, so I can keep the physical ball rolling.

Material.

I am FAILING miserably in the realm of material strength right now. This trial is blocking so much of life, as the crimes, offender and aftermath did. Just when I thought I could jump out of the gate, the trial itself starts pressing down.

“Peace.”

So I will avoid being hard on myself, as this is out of my control – still. It is just like getting married for like five years, then going through a miserable divorce for another year to year and a half…but 1) I didn’t choose to date anyone, 2) I had zero fun, 3) It cost way more than a marriage or divorce…4) I almost died…5) I have trauma to deal with…

…so maybe it is not just like getting married and suffering a miserable divorce. Maybe it is more like roasting in the depths of Hell for six miserable years. Miserably.

But seriously, people have had multiple children and sent them off to school within this time period. Others have gotten married and divorced. Still others have gotten married, divorced, dated and married someone else in this time period. People have built businesses. They have graduated from college and law school…medical school…formed entire lives…

…and here I still sit, stagnated in Fed’s muck in year six.

Just not feeling bright today.

Seeking peace.

Tomorrow will be better. For tomorrow is another day…