Day 91: An eye opener.

Let’s get right to it, as I am late posting and the work is piling up. 🙂

Work.

I worked from about 10am through to 3am – AGAIN. But I felt I spun my wheels in too many directions, so I went to sleep very frustrated. Today was a “panic run” in my work. That is not the way to actually feel productive, nor to produce concrete results.

I am so saddened by the way my six-year savior clients (a brokered group) have reduced workflow in the past weeks, that I am harboring some bitterness. They gave me absolutely no verbal indication of the pending slow-down after my five-plus years of working for them without days off. I need to shed the frustration and see this as a lesson not in stagnating, but for going forward. It is happening because it is meant to happen. It is time for me to move onto projects that pay me what I deserve and honor me as much as I honor my work.

I hear you, God. I see what is happening here. But – oh! I wish they could have just had the decency to give me a heads-up, so I wouldn’t experience an income hard stop after all of these years of my loyalty and dedication.

Onward and upward. The cords to my past are cutting themselves. Scary.

Self-balance.

Yesterday into today was major…major. I’m finding myself stunned by another person’s actions and words. It has been a long, long time since I’ve seen a genuine soul in action as part of my private life.

In the wee hours of yesterday I ranted about “another man focused only on looks.” I was disappointed, as how I look was the bulk of most conversations we had to that point. So I started shutting the door.

He picked up on my frustration and shocked me by providing a heartfelt apology for his oversight. We went back and forth a little about how it makes me feel, to be measured by my appearance. I won’t get into further detail about our lengthy exchange, but this “one” is different. This one is indeed different. Beyond that discussion and clarifications on where each of us stand in our lives and relationship interest, I learned a lot about this person.

In the past I have only received shallow reactions to my indication that a prospective significant other is being shallow about me or women in general. So usually my point is quickly proven. That was the case in March. That man behaved like a child highly skilled in the art of manipulation. He was the self-professed “ugly elf.” I think the ugliness was more internal, as shown in our last exchanges. But I was proud of myself for repeatedly taking the high road, very proud of all I learned about myself in this Fed journey.

But this man of right now and hopefully longer – this one really surprised me. It has been more than 36 hours since we had our first serious talk and I am still surprised at how well we managed it together.

He recommended a book to me and I very well may pick up a copy. It is called, “The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life” by David Brooks. I think I have finally found “one” who is in the same place as I am in this thing called life, this continuing saga of self-discovery.

What’s more, when we brush on the topic of the criminal experience, he does not speak of me as a victim. He sees what is next, my hope for the future. He does not try to avoid the subject, nor does he speak with pity. Instead, he speaks of it as a set of lessons learned to empower me and enrich my life for the better. That is where my head and heart are now, in the “after.” So it is nice to be joined there, even if only for right now.

We’ll see how this goes.

Physical.

I have been a bundle of spring headaches. For three days I have not been able to shake a tough headache-neck ache-shoulder ache. I started to work out, but it hurt to hold my head up and I feared the headache getting worse. As this is weather based, I expect tomorrow to be better. The weather is forecast as better, at least…

I did eat right, however. Did well there.

Material.

No kidding, right now is a scramble for income. It is an awful position to be in after finally achieving stability only months ago. So no material progress or changes. Status quo. I can’t even say I earned well today. Not my best day on any of this. But changes are afoot…