Day 92: Have to say something.

I spent more than half of the past decade fighting off a psychopath who targeted women because of how we look. He made it clear from moment one of us meeting, that it was all about the girl being “blonde, blue eyes, pale skin like yours, dressed like you.”

So now I start to date again. And what am I getting in my late 40’s? It is still all about how I look. That is still how I am measured – all the while the person sitting across from me claims himself to be an “ugly elf.” Where does this make sense?

I refuse to sit across from another person or on the phone with another person who reverts only to, “You’re really beautiful.” I appreciate that thought, but I am over hearing it as the only good thing anyone says. It is a definite deal breaker, to talk about my appearance as the foundation of almost every conversation. I don’t care if I end up alone for the rest of my life. I’m smart enough to pull that off without feeling “left out” or isolated.

Any woman worth anyone’s while has a sense of self that goes beyond appearance. Any man who can only see appearance is not worth a woman’s time, at all.

It blows my mind. The past several men have been one in the same, 100 percent focused on how I present on the surface. Have I not just pulled off some major things in my life? On top of my career and travel experiences…personality…life interests? So tell me kind sirs, what do you bring to the table? I surely do not need an “ugly elf” following me around telling me how I look until I’m 95.

They feel like Fed to me. Buh bye, every time. Buh bye. Take your boat to another port.

I’m realizing that I have always been measured by my appearance. I remember when I was 14 and had a pimple on my nose, my dad didn’t want to take a photo with me in it. I was 14 and had one pimple…so I wasn’t good enough to be his daughter. I’m seeing the pattern.

Fed irritated me and was not good enough for me from the start, as he was so appearances-focused. I told him that night I was leaving the state for good, despite meeting him. That is how much I was not attracted to a man attracted by my looks. It’s not going to waffle now.

I’d rather be alone forever.