Day 93: Not a pawn.

I watched Brene Brown’s “The Call to Courage” today on Netflix. I put it off, but it kept popping up in my queue like, “Watch me, watch me.” So I did. What struck me is her connection of vulnerability to courage. I always tell myself I am not courageous when people say I have been, as who can be scared and courageous at the same time? Who can hide and be courageous? But the way she explained the connection between the two made me realize, yes – you can have really substantial fear and courage at the same time. It was nice.

She quoted,

“It’s not the critic who counts. It’s not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done it different. The credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes up short again and again and again, and who in the end, while he may know the triumph of high achievement, at least when he fails, he does so daring greatly.”

– Theodore Roosevelt, 1910 as quoted by Brene Brown in “The Call to Courage”

Well…this has struck a chord.

There is little I have experienced in my adventurous life, that has scared me like the lies of the defense and press, in this case related to Escaping Fed. It is not that I fear facing their bull in court, but that I fear people actually believing the total bull. So some days I dread court, despite having worked so hard for six years to get there. It is almost that thing of, “Watch what you wish for…”

But now I see that I can feel courageous, despite my fears and the vulnerability of walking in there to deflect false claims like me being “drunk” during the aggressor’s offenses. This hits a chord with me because, A) I was definitely NOT drunk and B) It just goes against my personal standards, to be “drunk” and doing foolish things. So I have hated that characterization, as it is definitely not me. I don’t want to wear anyone else’s assumptions. I work too hard to not take the easy roads in life, for me to wear others’ easy labels.

But I guess others’ assumptions are what they are. It doesn’t really matter in my life, except that we need to ensure “credit” goes where “credit is due,” to the offender who illegally and offensively raped “double digits” of women…three who are mustering the courage to stand up in court.

It is the first time I felt maybe I am still courageous and not just “stuck” as a pawn of the judicial system.

I will still fear the press’ assumptions and printing of falsehoods in this. I will fear what others say. But thanks to Brene Brown and Teddy Roosevelt, I can do this with my head up for a bit longer. He may get off and skate free, but at least I will have tried. What happens from here is not my doing, but up to the people of Wisconsin, on their shoulders and the fabric of their future with this offender. They can choose what to do with him and it is not about me.

I just do not want to ever get another call that there was another rape or a murder…I just don’t want to endure that anymore. Ever. So that is where I beg and plead in my mind: Please don’t let this happen again. But it is not up to me to try to make this go any direction. I can only show up. If he gets off and that inevitable call comes in to me again, saying, “There has been another rape,” I can choose to give up on the people of Wisconsin and save myself.

All of that said, today:

Work.

Cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Did the dreaded and mundane work, the toilet, bathroom floor…

Why does this work make you feel so accomplished, particularly in light of other work that is so much harder? 🙂

Self-balance.

I think the above about what I learned from the Theodore Roosevelt quote is my self-balance for today. 🙂 I had a generally lazy day and let myself rest my brain. Sometimes we all need that.

Physical.

Am nursing a migraine – still. I’m functional but still hate holding my head up for more than an hour at a time. So we shall see if I get anything physical done before the day is over…but I cannot feel like a failure if I cannot pull it off. I’ve been very active for the past two days under this nagging cranial oppression.

Material.

I’m working on one sad, lone article and will turn in one sad, lone article today. But it is forward momentum on a gloomy Saturday, nonetheless. Of course, it is just under seven hours until today is over. So there is still time for me to get more done. Time will tell.