I’m back on track today. I will not go so far as to say that I’m in a positive place. But I’m sure the murder weekend darkness will subside tomorrow or the next day.
Sometimes I marvel at how my body and mind know of these anniversaries days before I consciously realize them. Murder weekend always sneaks up on me and always takes me down. I always reflect on these weekends outside of myself, thinking sad thoughts for “that girl” who almost walked into the meticulously planned trap. I am more saddened by knowing that “she” would have died under a false claim that others would accept and believe forever, as who doubts the claim of a federal law enforcement officer?
God was with me that night, as I was in no state to save myself by myself. I was literally a dead woman walking, just taking steps I had to take to keep enough peace to flee. So instead of feeling victorious over my outwitting him and escaping from death, I feel so sad for the tragic circumstances that led to that weekend…even sadder that America proved so blind to his ways for so long…and that I would have been the first to fall, with more surely following.
Anyway, today I did get back to my little routine-that-could. It worked for me as I prepared to go to Washington in 2014, so it will work again. I’m good at self-discipline, when I choose to apply it. Sometimes too good at it. So here we go. Things will turn around, with some focus.
I knocked out about ten hours of behind-the-scenes drudgery today, the kind of things that bring no gratification until the next phase of business. But the work will pay off in time. I’m ready to get to a place where I can reap the rewards of all of this footwork. That will happen in the next month. Onward and upward, through the part no one wants to do.
I do not talk about my spirituality, generally as a rule. But I am in a place where spirituality counts. So let’s be real: I went to bed praying last night, wore my consecrated rosary to sleep and woke up with conscious awareness that the rosary was there. This is one from St. Louis Cathedral in New Orleans, my home city. So I keep it in a quiet place in my home, only bringing it out of that place when I am at my lowest of lows. For some reason, I always sleep soundly when I wear it to bed – even after months without sound sleep. So I am superstitious about leaning on it, as whatever it does to my subconscious actually works.
A side note: I’m struggling with some inappropriate things I see on others’ social media streams – through my feeds. So I am having to block those from my view. I’m finding myself putting up big walls and making long term, door closing decisions in my life, based on others’ statements. That is where social media is unhealthy. So be it. “Mute” is an easy fix.
I worked out for 45 minutes today and have to keep this up every day until trial. My brain needs the endorphins and my body needs the work. It is time to dust off the doll that has been sitting on the shelf, accumulating cobwebs.
I handled some necessary errands. I’m not in a place of having great material needs right now. But I ran the errands to get myself out in public and looking “cute.”
Back to the basics.
I’m getting things moving again, so I can get out of this pre-trial darkness. The cloud set in about a month ago and has not broken loose yet, even though it typically only lasts a few days to a week. Knowing that I need to be in a good head space and feeling strong for trial, I will do whatever I must to move the cloud along. 97 of these #100days to go.