Yes – I’m back. I needed to walk away to get eight weeks of chaos cleaned up. But without all of that happening, I have time to reflect on myself and my life each day. Because of everything being in this odd pre-trial limbo for the next 52 days, I also have need to express myself somewhere. I cannot go too crazy with business or other venues of creative expression. So I will do it here again.
It’s good to be back.
I just needed to clean my life out in many ways. My closets were not enough. I needed to figure this relationship out and see that I have no reason to make it work. It was good practice, yes. It was practice. But if you are not having a meeting of the minds this early on, there is no reason to continue.
I feel awful. He had big “hopes and dreams.” But I got the feeling they would be for anyone who fit a certain mold, not me in particular. Then, when I finally lost my cool, PTSD reared its ugly head and I went OFF. It was unfortunate because you don’t want to crush someone’s ego. You just want the problems to stop.
He came back again – despite the PTSD. But there was no way in h-e-l-l we could seem to “connect” on basic levels. I realized he is a big-time left brainer. I am more right-brained, with some straddling of both hemispheres. It can be very hard for a right brainer to feel connected to extreme left brainers. At least, it is for me. I don’t like “everything is black and white.” It exhausts me.
Anyway…I’m sure he feels relieved it is over, too. Or he will. I give it a few minutes and he will be 100 percent happy. Plenty of fish are in the sea for men with financial portfolios. I just am not interested in a man for that and it is not enough for me to alter my ways and means, hopes or dreams. People around me think I’m crazy, that I “won’t.” I would rather starve than be unhappy. Haven’t I proven that??
So back to me being me. But I no longer need the earlier structure. I just need to appreciate my life.
Whew! Glad I left and took a break. This space would have been ugly, if I had kept being honest. Now I can be honest and stand behind my guttural communications again. 🙂 All is good.
Moving on to trial and the “after”…