Day 74: Crystalline.

Top o’ the morning.

I have 74 days until trial and am tuning back into what matters most in my journey – me.

I’m redacting. [Swish of my marker.] I used to write EVERYTHING and leave it for public view. But then, I used to have 14,000 daily readers when I was doing that, so I felt obligated. Not any more. 😉

Onward and upward.

Self-balance.

So I opened my morning devotional book to today’s page. It said:

Sometimes it feels as if life is out of control. Things happen so quickly that you cannot grab on anywhere. A familiar panic begins to grow in your stomach and color every moment of every day. Perhaps you are afraid no one is really in control. Perhaps it seems that the bad guys are winning.

– Carolyn Larsen

Then it said:

Do not be afraid of them; I have given them unto your hand,
Not one of them will be able to withstand you.

~ Joshua 10:8

Okay. Well. Ummmm…

So yeah. Coincidence? Maybe. But good timing, for sure.

Feeling calm today. Feeling quite secure in myself and my intuitions. Content. Great things are swirling around me, as long as I do not let the darkness others sometimes bring into my life actually into my life.

Physical.

Coming later today…

Work.

My head is all over the place today and so was work. Accomplished some things here and there for my brands.

Material.

Let’s just write this week off…I let chaos in and so I guess feeling the effects of that is my own fault.

Day 75: Fatigue.

I am exhausted.

My famous last words from Day 77 said I needed my boundaries respected. That issue came up again within hours of my writing. Obviously, I lost it.

Yesterday was a barrage of emotional texting. It was so draining. I had a meeting at 430pm with someone close to me. He urged me to reconsider the whole situation. I really did not want to, at all. My defenses are way up, as they should be. I’ve been banging my head on the proverbial wall.

But I listened out of respect for this coworker and friend I fully trust.

The coworker asked me to consider how the man I was getting to know is not used to women not being fully available and “on the ready.” How he has women throwing themselves at him and yet I present this challenge, as a girl who must proceed slowly with no instant gratification because of my situation and trial. I am one who will not be so quick to take off running to “bag the guy.”

He also asked me to consider how my defenses are like Fort Knox – as they should be after all I’ve been through. He urged consideration of how no one understands how intense this stalking, the criminal offenses, investigations, betrayals and trial process have been. He said that he did not get it until he was in it, as he has been for almost two years now.

So I listened.

I felt almost pushed to do something I did not want to do. I was still so defiant in having done what was best for me, in my mind – that shutting of the door. I get so tired and have so little space for what feels like chaos, that jerking of the rug out from under us and the plowing through my boundaries. I tend to overcorrect.

We also talked about how I’m used to very unemotional men and this man is not like that. Let’s face it: Fed took the “fluff” and fun right out of me. So I have become like those men – very flat, black-and-white about relationships and unbudging. But again, I have survival and trial as my priorities, nothing else.

But I listened.

So my friend sat there while I very reluctantly typed a text to the once-deleted contact. He literally dictated the texts to me, as the peacemaker. I was still reeling over everything from my “tiny height” to my character, to the rape situation having been thrown back in my face as this person’s defense. I was harshly and incorrectly judged – except for the height issue which I kind of like.

Unfortunately, the man on the other side of the phone was still in fighting mode. So everything was still rapid-fire, about a half dozen texts, one after another.

Finally he cooled a little at what was then hour 11 of the whole mess. We spoke on the phone.

I heard a new side, a kind of defeated one in his voice. I heard softness that the texts were not reflecting.

I heard in his voice that he was hurt and rattled by my abrupt ending. I could tell he was choosing words very carefully and walking on tiptoes. I don’t want anyone in this world to feel that way about anything. So it was a little endearing that he cared that much.

I think I was understood in a new way, in that I had clearly pulled the plug and said, “That is it.”

I was exhausted. Still am.

I lost two days of work to this mess. I cannot afford to lose two days of work to any mess. At all. I do not need it, want it or have it to give. I still have to pay for another surgery, missed work for trial and all else. I do not have time to sacrifice work. I have a life to rebuild, one that starts in under 100 days.

I think we reached mutual understanding. I am still very guarded. To be frank, last night I was still a little resentful in a world of, “I don’t need this bullshit.” I don’t. But the question is whether I want the human connection enough to keep bouncing back – to a certain point, now a point beyond my original point.

My limits include keeping my location at specific times to myself. Hours later, sure. But me being quick to say where I am or show it is hard for me. That is a card I am dealt – one I am good at knowing when to hold and when to fold. Nothing sends me into a frantic state like people knowing exactly where I am on the map “right now.”

After all, I watched Fed tracking my location via device in my little North Carolina hiding town, as the doofus realized he and his compadre passed the parking lot where I was, then promptly made U-turns. I saw them – as if in slow motion – making that turn and coming for me together. I was the one they followed for 13 miles, to make their “point.” So no one will ever do that to me again. No one needs to know my whereabouts unless I know I can 100 percent trust them with my whereabouts. Need-to-know basis.

Obviously things are tentative with us today. I guess we will get back to the warmth of before. We seem cut from the same cloth.

So that is the raw truth of it. Boundaries must be respected. My journey must be respected.

I come from a certain background of formality, one that makes me appear ready for entry to his world. But I made a choice to ensure that justice prevailed here and I survived, above all else. Survival and justice come at a significant, life path changing cost. I am still called unemployable by recruiters, until trial is over and the jerk is locked up. So I only have my experience, tenacity and self-made businesses to rely on for my own survival – after six long, heartbreaking and isolating years.

So here we are. We are talking. Pressure is off of me. I don’t think that particular boundary will be crossed again. I think I made my point, although I did not see coming back from the clarity to a place of “bliss.” I am hoping bliss comes back. We shall see.

But today? Today my long-forgotten auto-immune reactions are rearing their frowny faces. I have my autoimmune disorder pretty well under control after my hiatus from life. I’ve learned how to keep myself balanced – as this countdown of 100 days was designed to achieve – but is still miserably failing. Today, I cannot lift my arms because they are so heavy. I am wiped out. It is 11am and I am still in my night clothes.

But I am still here, pushing forward and trying to rebuild a life. I guess the man is still by my side. I see he wants to be and was willing to get in some mud to fight for it. There is some kind of value in there somewhere.

I just know that there has to be more space for my losses and the gap they created to jive with his heir experience. I also know I need to be cared for in special, perhaps unique ways. But more than anything, I know I am worth that. Maybe he is worth that for me too, if we can just get past this damn case and trial.

I will be back later to account for my day’s strategy…

Self-balance.

I slept until 11am this morning, off and on. I needed it.

I was not in a bright mood until about 2pm, but was relieved when my regular sunniness came back. I do not like being uncomfortable in my skin.

Physical.

I worked out for only 30 minutes, but at least I showed up and got it done.

Work.

I made some strides in business development for my brands. But failed miserably at the grind that ties me over.

Material.

I spent nothing, maintained nothing material and just played it safe today all around.

Day 76: Testing 1-2-3…

Wow. Had fireworks this morning at my place. I am stunned at the magnificence of the human mind. Specifically, I am stunned at how deep denial can go for all us…

I don’t usually drink coffee…but am pretty sure the feeling after this morning’s events are what people seek in that particular brand of caffeine high.

[I’m redacting all that happened. I’m so exhausted by the drama of it that I don’t want to see it ever again. Going forward. A big black marker has swiped across the page.]

My film editor came over and witnessed some of the situation. He sees where I am coming from, as it is a mind numbing repetition, a cycle of crazy-making. But he also gets how this whole trial thing is more than almost any man could patiently hang in wait for. I get that too. But I said over and over, “If it makes you uncomfortable, you can say so. Just go do your thing and we will pick up after trial if you’re still available.”

I think no one in my shoes can be in denial about the gravity of what is about to happen. I need to feel solid, secure and safe. Confident. Ready. Rested. Not road weary and time tested. I certainly do not need to feel worn down.

It is now past 2am on Day 75 and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the head. Today was rough and I am only just now tucking myself in for tomorrow – which is already here.

So let’s do this Tuesday thing. 76 Days and counting…

How about I bring the room back “up” by adding the song that is playing as I type? I’m ready for a great day… I really feel good about my position in life after this six year mess. I just don’t need the chaos.

Self-balance.

It is 10:17pm and I feel beaten up by today. I am by no means “down.” But it feels like there was yelling in my house all day. There was no yelling. Only texts. It still had the same psychological effect. And I cursed multiple times today. It felt like such a backwards rush.

I don’t feel incredibly out of balance, just affected. A bit jarred, but not reeling. Tomorrow I will be fine and dandy.

Physical.

I worked out late, having to make time between articles I needed to write. So tired. But I refused to fail today – I got it done besides the kicks in the head.

Work.

WHOA! After all of the above muckety muck transpired, I found out that not one but three of my core client group quit their company in a huff. No wonder work has fallen off the earth. A new person said hello the other day and now another. Things are looking up!

Maybe the universe wanted me to shut one door to reward me with another open one? Hmmmmm…

Material.

I lost hours upon hours of work today, to the general distraction of the man situation. It was exactly what I did not need. It was the opposite of why I am seeking self-balance in these last 100 days. I just don’t need drama. So I lost a ton of money today. It cannot happen. So I am up so late typing, when my eyelids are so heavy…my heart is tired…

Day 77: Saboteur.

I’m the saboteur right now.

I’m uncomfortable in some things…I’m sabotaging. I see myself doing it. The question is why? A lot of reasons, actually. A lot of new things going on and some boundaries being nuzzled forward, despite my objections. Am I asking too much or is it needless pushing of boundaries?

Time will tell.

Meanwhile, I am having freaky dreams [nightmares] that seem to come from “back of mind” stress. That stress is a pile of things that do not matter because I don’t have time or energy for them to matter. But then, I guess they do matter, as now I’m having to confront them in my sleep.

I am talking in so many circles.

I’m trying to figure out how much of myself I can give to another person. I see how if I go one direction, I have to give up some things I enjoy. But those changes would be at the hands of new things to enjoy. I guess the bigger question is whether the other person truly understands how much a woman must give up to be in that particular position. You have to figure out if they are trustworthy enough to let go of a ton of control over your life.

I’m old fashioned. But to be in that realm where I am most comfortable, I would have to let go of my single female security blankets. Would I wake in 20 years and not know who I am? Or would this person value the sacrifices made? It is just a lot coming at me very rapidly.

When you “surface date,” you don’t have these issues to deal with. You just simply roll with it until you don’t want to roll with it anymore. I’m in a position where you don’t roll with things. You make clear decisions in a progression that lead a very specific direction. The quality of the outcome rests heavily in whether you can truly trust and rely on the other person – a virtual stranger to a certain degree. With each decision made, you go in further. You let go of certain “security” more and more. Progression on one side equals regression on the other. It is that thing of Isaac Newton’s discovery, that every action brings an equal yet opposite reaction.

I want to be fully open to progress in my personal life. But I have always been a commodity. Since birth, I have been traded for whatever value I bring. I’ve always been informed of my value based on surface attributes and appearances. No one has actually ever cared about what is beneath the surface…and I mean no one. So I fear letting go of my life control and security to someone who is vying for the surface and does not care about what is real – again. So is this person legitimate or are they vying for the surface and cow-towing to my “demands” to get to that same end?

I don’t want to sabotage. But if I feel manipulated in the slightest, I will inevitably throw it off the rails. So I guess it is all out of my hands. It comes down to their ability to not manipulate me. To hear me. To pay attention and honor what I need. I realize that I have less control now than they do. I only ask one thing and it is up to them to respect that one thing. The outcome for not respecting it is inevitable.

Maybe I am not so much a saboteur as I am a protector. Self-protection is the new black.

I also think I am so clear on the fact that I will never divorce again. I REFUSE. So it has to be completely right. It has to fit. I will not enter something for which I consider an exit possible. We all seek that other person to meet us on the “other side.” Could this be my person or is that a silly girl’s fantasy that such exists?

So many questions. So few days left in this lifetime to find all of the answers. Some things must just be a leap of faith, I guess.

All of this philosophical thought takes me back to one place: I owe it to myself to “try.” Just try. There is always an exit available at the front, the back and over the wing.

Try to trust. Just try.

Can you sense the weight of this part of my journey?

Self-balance.

What is self-balance? 🙂

Seriously though, I struggled to sleep because the upstairs neighbor was vacuuming like crazy at 230am. Then the landlord was vacuuming the hallways and stairs FOREVER, over and over, first thing this morning. It was a vacuum hell sandwich.

Some days I think the world is trying to break me. Will a vacuum do it? Who knows.

Ironically – again – my motivational reading was on point. It was about sleeplessness, dark of night and the thoughts that come around in those wee hours of quiet. It was about not feeling alone in your journey.

Physical.

Let’s be real. So much is going on with my metaphorical hamster legs in the wheel that my real legs struggle to turn the wheel enough as “physical activity.” I did the minimum tonight. But my mind is running in so many circles that it was like four-point-three miles ahead of my body at all times.

Work.

Have worked well all day on multiple projects. Am hanging in and making progress. I’m not feeling stagnated, as I did before – in the past weeks.

Material.

Well, spent some money. It was only a little and still overshadowed by how much I earned today. But I don’t like spending right now, when I need to be earning so much more. Still, I am developing the work I will benefit from for years to come. So progress is for the long term, despite the momentary financial weakness.

Day 78: Here I am.

Well, here I am at 2:15am on Monday morning, still working. I had actually closed the laptop and settled in for the night, but my obligation to this little blog pulled me back to the mouse and keyboard. What can you do?!?

I did enjoy cool sea breezes, sunshine and a lazy cat from afar today. I sat atop my bed working on the laptop while the fuzzy member of the household – Cookie Monster – got his nap on. It was a cute sight to behold, the very essence of bliss.

Self-balance.

I am gnashing the hell out of my teeth in my sleep again. I’ve basically destroyed my bite guard bought through the dentist in mid-February. I am pushing forward on my front teeth now, like I’m trying to push them out of my mouth. If we take a cue from the last efforts to break teeth, I may succeed. They hurt every morning. I must be really subconsciously stressed to be doing this.

We need to get this shit over with.

Back to the self-balance of daily life…

Today’s motivational reading was about blessings. I am not short on awareness, there. I am blessed to just be here. It’s all “extra” from there.

Physical.

I worked out for the minimum half hour…need to do more tomorrow. But I was feeling pain from Saturday’s workout. Sweet, sweet pain. Gotta love when it hurts so good. Progress.

Work.

Holy smokes, I put a day of work in today. Started in the morning and I’m still here working at now 216am. Got so much done, quite pleased. Need to keep up the trend. It can only be productive.

Material.

Spent nothing. Earned a little. At least it is forward momentum, even if microscopic.

Day 79: Outage.

My internet provider had an outage again today. It ran through early morning on Day 78. So now I have to backtrack and see if I can recall what I did on Day 79. I am more ready to get on with everything I did not finish yesterday…so am a wee bit annoyed. I will get over it, as I get some things done. Time is too limited now, to bend and buckle because of outside issues. I’m trying to live in my bubble and stay focused within the bubble. But sometimes the world outside does not cooperate.

Self-balance.

I had a peaceful day of household work, the kind of stuff no one wants to do but must. I took an extended nap with the sea breezes coming in my window. All in all, I acted like my cat Cookie Monster. Just laid around pretending someone was going to come in and wait on me hand and foot.

I needed it, needed to rest away small stress episodes of this week.

I don’t even want to comment on today’s motivational reading. It is clear on its own:

He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight.

~ Psalm 72:12-14

Physical.

I worked out as I should. I sort half-assed for 30 minutes, then put my heart into it for 22 minutes. At least I didn’t throw away the whole day to laziness.

Work.

See, in all of the above text I almost berate myself for being human and taking one day to clear my brain and rest. Still, I actually did write an article and send it off to the client in the morning. I never give myself enough credit. It would take some people all day to do that hour-long work, so I need to give myself actual credit. Plus, I cleaned a bit. So I did work.

Material.

Did not spend any money. Only earned a little. But the balance leaned toward the right direction today.

I had to struggle through a bit of technology ineptitude today and did so without yelling at anyone or being a jerk. I spent over an hour and a half on the phone with a tech support guy from the cable/internet provider. He knew less about his tech than I did, so it was frustrating to go through the session of, “Have you unplugged your modem and plugged it back in? Have you tried another power outlet? Have you pushed the reset button?” How did he get out of that 90 minutes unscathed??? It shows I am making progress in my ability to be uber patient. The PTSD is calming.

Of course, after he told me to wrap my equipment up and drive it to the service provider Monday because “it is a manufacturer’s problem,” I had to interject and tell him he needed more training. But I did so as politely as possible. I hung up the phone to call back and get through to someone more experienced at minute 90…

…but then I received a text telling me the outage was throughout my neighborhood.

Yeah.

Anyway, no one was bloodied, so this is progress, indeed. This time last year I would have had a head on a plate, feeding it to the cat.

Day 80: Baby steps.

Had a moment – a few hours, really – of frustration this morning. I guess you could say it was about learning how to be a partner to someone else after so long. Unfortunately, he found the blogs and I (unreasonably) felt violated. I realize this is out there for the world to see. But as I explained to him, I need my own space to get through this and to curse when I want to curse. I don’t want our relationship to form on top of a pile. A new relationship after trial starts on new ground and fully anew. This trial cannot bleed over.

So I don’t want him reading this. I just need to feel free and not “investigated” as Fed always investigates. That is my code word for stalking, in case you didn’t pick up on that. I need to feel a bit free, as I consider potential parallel paths, or as he said yesterday, “merging.”

I get it he was being a curious human, not a nosy human. I get it that it is me and not him…I get it. But I need extra special courtesy right now that I won’t need “after.” Just 80 days longer.

80 days as of today and counting…

Self-Balance.

Today’s motivational reading was about seeing the bigger picture and not getting lost in a moment. Yeah. I see the irony.

Trust becomes a lost element…there’s no future in that.

-Carolyn Larsen

A friend talked me out of my emotional tree. He urged me to see the full picture this morning, in my little “tizzy.” So I did. I see the intentions were not negative on the part of the person I am getting to know. But I need to focus on what is good for me until Day 0 has passed. That sounds selfish, but I’m not going anywhere…in my world, it has to be this way.

Physical.

I have been all over creation today in wedge heels. Exhausted. Have not checked my Apple watch yet to see what I’ve done. Still need to workout tonight. But tired, tired, tired.

I worked out as I am supposed to each evening. I fell into bed with a window open and the cleanest of evening sea air wafting in through the window. So lovely! An almost full moon watched over me. That is the best type of sleep.

Work.

Have been getting orders from my ghosting clients who now ghosted back into my life. Boo! I don’t think I will ever trust our relationship again, but it is progress.

Material.

Spent more than I brought in. Again. But I paid bills. So what can you do?

Day 81: Growing pains.

I am aggravated this morning/early afternoon, as I prepare to log what happened yesterday.

I need to walk away for a bit. I need air…

I got outside, enjoyed the day and relaxed before working out and going to sleep earlier than usual. All in all, Day 81 provided no hiccups. Day 80 is frustrating me. I was supposed to be out enjoying today in the sun, but have yet to leave the house because of work, home issues, personal issues…

So journal entry of Day 81 will be short. Day 80? Who the heck knows at this point.

Self-balance.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

I enjoyed the outdoors…solitude…quiet…nature…

Work.

My five year clients apologized for being absent and claimed we are getting back on track. I’m not holding my breath. A key member of their team just quit in a huff, giving no notice. So we shall see.

Otherwise, I broke some new ground in my own brands and visited with an executive recruiter-type person yesterday. I did the latter to just test the temperature for “after.” But I am going to keep my nose down into my own brands. To find a role of my liking, I would have to relocate to another part of the country. This business climate is primarily military, ship building and such. No industry of interest for me here.

Physical.

Went for an extended walk outside. Then worked out as I should, over the minimum time.

Material.

Not much to say here today…

Day 82: Stuck in today’s moment.

Today is limbo. But as the day has progressed, I have remembered that I need to see the small steps forward, as they lead somewhere. Small progress is progress, nonetheless.

Self-balance.

My morning devotional focused on learning and growing.

There are lessons to be learned and character qualities to be developed in each situation.

Yes, there are lessons and yes, I have grown. But- oh! You get tired of limbo. Limbo, limbo, limbo.

All of this said, there is a change afoot. Tomorrow limbo ends. I turn a major corner tomorrow, one I have not turned in a full five years and one month. I am taking a significant step forward.

So maybe my melancholy today is simply “growing pains.” I don’t know. I was doing so great until the person pulled me down a little a few days ago. But I need to keep my eyes forward. My mood definitely shifted down, but I have the power to pull it back up…if I keep protecting myself and focusing on the clear plan right now.

Work.

I completed every client request that came my way today and fulfilled some marketing for my own companies. Moving forward bit by bit.

Tomorrow will be a bit different. I am doing something new and will see where it goes.

Physical.

I worked out beyond my minimum. It wasn’t to the level of some of the past days. But I’ve had that migraine, so I need to not trigger it.

Material.

I am still frustrated by where things are with me materially. I have experienced about six weeks of others’ fraud and negative client behaviors. When I say “fraud,” I mean faulty debit after debit after debit and Slick Rick business dealings, like that $7200 headlight that still doesn’t work on my car, despite “warranty.” I never really have any fraud issues. But then in the past six weeks, one after the other after the other. It is all part of this climactic journey, I believe. It feels like the universe is responding in swirls of negativity to the pending climax of this six year journey. A cosmic swirl. The same is true of my clients who are not releasing their payments as they have for the past 70+ weeks. Suddenly, they “get too busy” to pay for week after week, when they have any work to request, at all. It is all needless drama that affects my wallet – desperately. But I expect it.

Still, I am turning wheels. Wheels moving toward change…enough of this BS…

Day 83: Kickback

Today was a migraine day. There was just too much going on around me, environmentally. The weather has been very unstable and the barometric pressure with it, I think someone was powerwashing or sandblasting the side of my building or one adjacent to it (the noise and dust, although I could not see)…my downstairs neighbor has visitors like clockwork every single night between 11pm and 130am (pre-Victorian windows do not shield me from their every word)…so I am without sleep and suffering environmental allergies to the extreme.

All of that said, I need to let things roll until Day 82. Aspirin doses, Tylenol doses…nothing is working. C’est la vie.

Self-balance.

With a migraine today comes a renewal and burst of energy tomorrow. I always accomplish twice as much the day “after.” So it is okay to fall down for 24 hours.

Still, I read my morning devotion. It was about being humble and waiting for signs of which way to go in life. I’m there.